I Don't Want to be Like My Parents

The Story

               I was fortunate enough to grow up in a loving two-parent household, with parents who loved me unconditionally, but they didn't love themselves. They did not love themselves enough to take care of their health or to be mindful of the toll their poor lifestyles was taking on their bodies until it was too late. My rose-colored glasses of childhood prevented me from seeing the effects of my family's bad habits until I was forced one night to call the ambulance for my father when he complained of his leg going numb. My father was superman to me - someone who I had never seen suffer a cold, so I didn't think my father was having a stroke, but he was. On the day before Thanksgiving in 2004, my superman died weighing over 400 lbs fighting the battle against obesity.

       By the age of ten I could name any type of vodka just by its smell. The stringent aroma of liquor practically permeated from my mothers pores, so it was a knack I naturally developed.  I always knew my mother was an alcoholic - hell, I had gone to a few AA meetings with her - but I didn't know the damage it was wreaking on her body. My mother had me in her forties, surely no spring chicken, however, when she was diagnosed with early-onset dementia it took us by surprise. The doctors said it was alcoholism induced dementia. Important dates like birthdays and cherished memories slipped from her grasp like water.Then, last year, in the continuous buffeting of fate she was diagnosed with renal and congestive heart failure.

To say good health is in my gene pool would be a lie. However, this isn't some sob story about how life and genetics has handed me a bad hand. Eff that. At age 17 I weighed in at my highest of 277 - in a year I dropped down to 167 - through an albiet very strict diet (implaced by my aunt who I moved to live with) as well as moving to a Podunk town in PA without a car which required me to walk a mile to the school bus stop everyday and 6 mi. to the local mall with my friends. It was wonderful being able to shop in the mall with my friends instead of just helping them pick outfits I could never fit.My confidence skyrocketed and I took that upswing with me to college. Oh how that pendulum of confidence oscillates...

      I am now a senior in college and the novelty of simply being smaller has worn off.  I am still not comfortable with how my body looks. I can fit the 'regular' store clothes, but I just don't look (in my opinion) good in them. My stomach is still pretty big and I've got flab and stretch marks galore. For years my weight has fluctuated from 160-170, but at 5'5 with a small frame- that still doesn't look right. Every year I start working out- only to abandon it with the excuse of my heavy course-load (science double major). My ADHD (diagnosed) makes keeping up with things all the more difficult, especially with my penchant for being involved in  (and mismanaging) a bajillion projects. But - this year - starting at 155 (I lost 10 over the summer) I will get down to my goal weight of 135 and look DAMN good by my birthday (7/10). I think 2013 being my year is a sign since 7 is my favorite number and I'll be 24 - 4+3 = 7!
      Care to join me on the journey to LOVING my BAWDDDDYYY?!